I’m excited that friend of The Purse AJ Ayers is sharing a guest essay this week! Next Tuesday is the publication date for her new book, Creative Money: New Financial Rules for Artists, Innovators, and Misfits.
AJ and I met a few years ago, shortly after I launched The Purse, and we had a fun time walking around Fort Greene Park, nerding out about personal finance and bitching about how hard it is to be women in the male-dominated financial services industry. In the years since, she’s become a trusted confidant, and I’m so thrilled to be able to support her as she publishes her first book.
Ahead, she dives into a very heavy financial topic—the cost of starting a family—and shares her personal journey. -Lindsey
In August, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez took to Instagram to explain her experience freezing her eggs to her 9.7 million Instagram followers. She didn’t just get into the science or politics behind the procedure. Ocasio-Cortez spoke openly about the reality of it: the repetitiveness of the injections, the financial strain, and—more importantly—how it made her feel. As a smart woman of 37, she made the choice of optionality.
When her story appeared in my Instagram feed, I almost immediately started sobbing. I had gone through the same injections and retrieval as part of IVF, a laborious, bank-account-raiding, painful, destabilizing, life- and work-disrupting process. For me, it had been an extremely lonely and private experience. And here was Ocasio-Cortez sharing her story with millions of people. I thought it was brave.
In the videos she walks us through the many injections: Menopur, Cetrotide, Gonal-F. I greeted them like old friends. And I was reminded that I still have a few doses in my refrigerator, which I refuse to throw out just in case I need to do another cycle. Even though I’m lucky enough to have fertility-friendly health insurance, these drugs are pricey.
Egg freezing and IVF start the same way, with weeks of injections and then a retrieval. With egg freezing, your eggs go into the freezer, ideally for use at a later date. With IVF, if all goes well, the eggs are fertilized in a lab, grown into embryos, frozen, and transferred back into a woman’s uterus.
They are expensive procedures. A single cycle of egg freezing typically runs between $10,000 to $20,000 including medication, plus $600 to $1,000 a year in storage fees for as long as your eggs sit in the freezer. Then you’ll pay more to thaw and fertilize them, if and when it comes time to use them.
A single round of IVF, meanwhile, can range from $15,000 to $30,000, and many people need two or three rounds to bring home a baby. It’s a significant expense to incur, and it’s one I feel like people are not very open to discussing, even with their closest friends.
When I started my journey, I relied on the testimonial of just one friend to choose my fertility clinic. I did not shop around, even though it took six weeks to get an appointment. They took my insurance and were within walking distance from my house, a fabulous luxury considering that appointments can happen as often as daily during a cycle. Most women don’t get lucky on both counts.
Alicia Adamczyk
I also came from a place of privilege where I didn’t have to stress about the cost of our fertility treatments. And as a financial planner, I could run the simulations and know exactly how much we could comfortably spend to grow our family. But the decision to pursue IVF was never only about money for me—and that’s the case for many families making this decision. I knew my husband and I were willing to go to great lengths to have a child. But it wasn’t always that way.
My original book proposal didn’t include anything about the cost of being a parent. But I started the first of four IVF cycles around the time I signed my book deal, and it felt urgent that I include something about families and money.
I added a chapter, unlucky number 13, called “Can You Afford to Have Kids?” because I sat with this question for so long myself. If your childhood was filled with conversations about what you couldn’t afford, if you were taught early that love doesn’t pay the bills, you might not treat parenthood like a given. Kids need massive amounts of attention, and ideally their parents will have a healthy savings account and the flexibility to roll with the punches. For me, I couldn’t let myself want a baby until I knew I could absolutely afford it.
But financial stability is a moving target. First it’s “after the promotion.” Then it’s “after the wedding,” then “after we buy the house,” maybe “when my company is acquired.” Even then, you might still wake up in the middle of the night worrying about the bottom falling out, and before you know it, you’re biologically out of time because you were trying to be prepared. Freezing your eggs might buy you some time, but you can’t delay forever.
Four years into my journey, I am finally a mother of the most amazing little baby boy. I ran the numbers on him, of course, because that’s what I do, and I assure you he was very, very expensive. But he’s worth every penny.
Some nights, when I go hunting in the vegetable drawer for the little clamshell of rosemary to add to my potatoes, I see the boxes of Cetrotide and Gonal-F tucked in there, and I can’t bring myself to throw them away. The financial planner in me hates wasting anything that costs that much, and the mother in me knows exactly what they are: a hedge for the next one.
-AJ
What else we read, watched, and listened to this week
- I’m reading American Psycho for the first time, and the prose is amazing but exhausting. -AJ
- Wow, it’s been a thrilling week that’s helped restore my faith in humanity! First Halloween, then the New York City Marathon, and then an epic blue tsunami! When I woke up Wednesday with a news alert from The Wall Street Journal that said the Democrats had “shellacked” the Republicans, I knew it was going to be a good day! -Lindsey
- Speaking of the election, the House majority leader in January is likely to be Katherine Clark, a progressive from Massachusetts who got into politics when she started advocating for all-day kindergarten for her children. Clark “has spoken at length about being a primary caregiver to her parents and her three children, noting how that experience influenced her priorities,” The New York Times reports. “She has long made accessible and affordable child care one of her top issues.” -Alicia
- Just finished Below on Netflix, which my husband described as “Gilmore Girls meets Jaws.” I watched it for Josh Hartnett. -AJ
- I wrote about how to navigate a job search after an extended career break for our partnership with The Washington Post. A big thank-you to the Purse reader who introduced me to Carol Fishman Cohen—we had such a delightful interview, and she was a great source for the piece. Also shoutout to Lindsay Downes, who shared her experience becoming a CFP. -Lindsey
- We’ve been getting a lot of butternut squash from the CSA, and it’s turned into one of my favorite veggies. Usually I just oven roast it, but my fave Hailee Catalano hit it out of the park again with her rigatoni with butternut squash and sausage recipe. -Alicia
- The algo recently served me this beautiful piece of modern classical music, “Sarabande Sketches IV,” by Anastasia Kobekina and Devonte Hynes. I love cello. -AJ
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On our radar
- Calling all dads! We’re working on a fun project with Cash App about the mental load of making holiday magic, and we want to hear from dads! How are you involved with making the holidays special for your family? And how does the seasonal craziness make you feel? Share your thoughts in this survey.
- We’re still looking for someone to share their scam story—it’s anonymous! Reach out to lindsey@thepurse.co
- I’m heading to San Francisco later today—let me know your favorite burritos in the Bay! -Alicia
TikTok of the week
What else we published on The Purse this week
Was it a spendy month?
Alicia Adamczyk
For paid subscribers: Lindsey wrote about three financial tasks you should take care of before the end of the year. (Bonus points if you can get them done this month.)
Lindsey Stanberry
Alicia shared outtakes from her Washington Post article on how complicated it can be when you inherit a house.
Alicia Adamczyk
Best money we spent this week
- After a crappy morning of misread emails and frustration, I popped into a Uniqlo for a $9.95 crisp white tee. You can’t have a bad day when you’re wearing a crisp white crewneck T-shirt. -AJ
- I spent election night grabbing drinks with some of my favorite mom friends. The main topic of conversation was our respective middle school searches, but we did squeeze in a little chatter about politics. ($25) -Lindsey
- I decided to splurge on a massage while I have some down time in San Francisco! ($150) -Alicia
