“We don’t usually discuss who does what”

I first came across Alexandria Magann’s TikTok a few years ago, when she; her husband, Mike; and their cute kids would post “‘fit checks” about what they were each wearing that day. Something about seeing a toddler namecheck her Old Navy dress and shoes was irresistible. 

In the years since, Alex has posted about being a working mom, training for marathons, baking with her son Oliver, and her dates with her daughter, June. She’s also been candid about “blowing up her life”—and a previous marriage—and how that’s led her to a much better one with a more supportive partner in Mike.

It’s always a little odd reaching out to someone who you are pseudo-familiar with from their online presence. But I’ve wanted to ask Alex and Mike to participate in Division of Labor for months, and I love their entry below. No day is perfectly equitable in any relationship, but they show that a true partnership means “everyone getting what they need.”

Note: I didn’t realize when I reached out to Alex for Division of Labor, but she works for Babylist, which The Purse has a brand partnership with. 

- Alicia

Name: Alexandria Magann
Age: 38
Spouse’s Name: Michael Magann
Spouse’s Age: 42
Relationship Status: Married

Number of children and their ages: Two children, 1st grade and pre-K

Your job and how many hours you work per week: Growth marketing for a remote company, 40 to 50 hours per week

Your spouse/partner’s job and how many hours they work per week: Full-time stay-at-home dad, part-time student attending computer coding school

Type of childcare you use: Public grade school for our oldest, private Montessori pre-K for our youngest. No after-school care.

How do you and your spouse split up household responsibilities: Whoever has more time tackles it!

What labor do you outsource, if any? We pay for a house cleaning every other week and spring/fall cleanup through a landscaper.

How did you decide who does what? We don’t usually discuss who does what; we just tend to step in when we see it’s needed. If Mike has time and can throw in a load of laundry, he does! If I’m up earlier, I’ll pack school lunches. We both know each other’s likes and dislikes when it comes to having a functioning house, so we do our best to make sure to address those appropriately.

Can you share one “parenting hack” that’s worked for your family? We aren’t terribly restrictive on food or screens, and our children rarely take advantage of that. We’ve found the more access they have to these things, the less exciting they are to them. We present things without gender as best we can for many reasons, but I think it has made it so our children share a lot more interests than the average brother and sister.

How do you spend quality time together as a couple? We like going to shows, eating at good restaurants, going to yard sales and thrifting, and trying to find new unique things happening in the area.

Do you feel like you have a fair division of labor? It tends to net out to our version of “fair,” which is everyone getting what they need. Sometimes, I need more, so I have the opportunity to give less. (Like right now! I’ve been training for a marathon for the last 20 weeks!) And then when Mike needs more, I’ll give more. 

I think unfair would look like someone being very burnt out, either overall or on a certain task, and we have rarely if ever reached that point. Our strong communication and understanding of what makes a harmonious house makes it always feel fair even if on paper it would look otherwise.

How have you managed to train for your races while working and caring for two young children? The only reason I’m able to train for marathons is Mike. Having a supportive partner who understands what I need in order to work toward these goals is paramount. He readily takes over Sunday mornings for me so I can do my long runs and finds ways to let me relax on particularly long days. 

I also prioritize myself and my needs regularly. In order to do everything I do, I need to sleep. Some people can operate on less, but not me! I’ll go to bed at 9 p.m. in order to get up early to run, which means maybe spending less time reading or watching TV. Sometimes it means saving a load of laundry for another time. But it’s a short season of life in comparison to everything! 

Mike adding on here. Alex is about to run a marathon, and I just ran a half marathon. We had a decent amount of overlap in our training. I think we learned that both training for longer races at the same time is difficult. I don’t think we would not do a race because of the other one, but we had to learn that it was difficult.

Oliver had some health problems when he was very young. Has that had a lasting impact on how you and Mike manage your time/schedules/family commitments? I think it has helped us value our family and time so much more. We both went through a lot of “so what?” moments once Oliver was healthy again, which has helped us prioritize the things that we find actually important. We needed to invest in ourselves to show up wholly for our children. For me, that means taking time to go running, recharging by reading a book or seeing friends. For Mike, that means also taking time to go running, going to shows, and seeing friends. But it’s also made spending time together as a family so much more meaningful. 

I, Mike, would never want to go through that again, but I do know that it reshaped a lot of things in my life for the better. I wish I could have learned how to prioritize better without going through that, but it shifted my focus on most everything. 

Anything else you’d like to share? We communicate really well. We are able to make sure to let the other person know what we need or do not need well before it becomes a problem. We are also pretty aligned in what matters and what doesn’t, so we can handle most situations with a shared mindset.  

I think a perfect example is our home. You look at our house and you can tell it is lived in. It could be cleaner and more organized, but at what cost? Do we want to miss out on opportunities on weekends? Do we want to fight the fact we have two young children when it comes to presenting our house? We both realize the life we want to have comes at the cost of a slightly messy house. 

Alex and Mike shared a recent week day.

5:30 a.m.

Alex: Wake up, get dressed, eat a light breakfast, and take vitamins and medication (the two Zs are king: Zoloft and Zyrtec).

Mike: Asleep.

6:00 a.m.

Alex: Go for a run. My seventh marathon is in less than a week, so today I have an easy four-mile run on the schedule. Some days I’ll run after school drop-off, but it’s supposed to hit 90 degrees today, so I’m getting this in as early as possible.

Mike: Asleep.

6:30 a.m.

Alex: On my run.

Mike: Start hitting snooze.

7:00 a.m.

Alex: Back home. I help get the kids up and dressed for school. I’m still sweating profusely, so I'm trying not to touch anything. Our son asks me why my skin is so hot while I’m getting him dressed, lol.

Mike: Alex is getting the kids dressed, so I am downstairs starting on breakfasts, making sure the dogs are settled, making lunches, and dreaming of a coffee.

7:30 a.m.

Alex: Kids get breakfast (this week’s hyperfixation: waffles), and I tame June’s hair for school. She prefers a pony, but sometimes I can convince her to do a fun hairstyle. Today is not one of those days.

Mike: I am cleaning up breakfast, getting the dogs their breakfast, and then getting ready so we can get the kids to school.

8:00 a.m.

Alex: Out the door to school! Our city has neighborhood elementary schools, meaning students are zoned within walking distance of their elementary schools. It’s so nice, but since we have an extra drop-off for Oliver, we tend to drive. Both schools are within 1.5 miles of our home, though, so we can knock out both quickly. June goes in at 8:15 a.m., and then we drive Oliver to his school. We like to do this as a family, so we can all get some fresh air and see some friends at drop off.

Mike: I also go for the ride to drop off. It’s a nice time to see some people I won’t see otherwise. Hopefully, when the kids are older they appreciate we both brought them.

8:30 a.m.

Alex: Back home, and it’s time to take our new puppy, Jolene, for a walk. We’ve had many dogs in our relationship, but Jolene is our first big dog. She needs a good walk to get some energy out, and I’ll usually do the morning walk. I like to listen to my podcasts while I walk her; today I listen to The Daily.

Mike: Despite not having a job, I have various things going on that I need to tend to. I reply to a few emails, apply to a few jobs, and have a bagel for breakfast.

9:00 a.m.

Alex: Home again for a quick shower (finally, sorry to all the parents at drop-off who had to smell me) and another breakfast (yes lol).

Mike: I have decided that I am going to go for a run despite the heat, hoping that since it’s still early it won’t be too bad.

9:30 a.m.

Alex: Settle in to work. Working from home has a lot of luxuries, but you need to be disciplined in your scheduling. I like to be settled in to begin work between 9 and 9:30 a.m. Today has a few meetings in the afternoon, so I like to spend the morning knocking out solo work.

Mike: After about a mile I have decided this may have been a bad idea. I am not training for anything, so pushing through this is not making me very happy.

10:00 a.m.

Alex: Working.

Mike: I finish the workout portion of my run and have a 1.25-mile cool down section at conversational pace. I am completely over the run and decide a conversational cooldown will be just a walk since I am also out of water.

10:30 a.m.

Alex: Still working.

Mike: Cool off and shower.

11:00 a.m.

Alex: Still working.

Mike: I head to the basement where I have my “office.” I check my emails first hoping that someone wants to interview me. They do not. 

11:30 a.m.

Alex: Still working.

Mike: I am currently taking an Introduction to Python course. The school week goes from Wednesday to Wednesday, so I need to finish up my work for the week. I also have to submit portions of the final project as well. I am at an odd point in the class. I like what I am doing for my final project, but the idea of coding for hours has become difficult. As a former educator, I once dreamed of sitting behind a computer by myself. I now realize I need a little bit more than just that to feel alive.

12:00 p.m.

Alex: Let out our dogs, Chase and Jolene, for a midday potty break. Being fully remote means our dogs get plenty of attention, and it also means I can do small training sessions with our puppy. Today we work on touch recall.

Mike: Working on the Python course.

12:30 p.m.

Alex: Lunch! A turkey and cheese wrap today. 

Mike: Working on the Python course.

1:00 p.m.

Alex: Quick standup meeting with my offshore team to check in on the progress of their work. I wear a lot of hats in my role, which has been a fun way to learn a lot. Managing an offshore team is new for me but a good challenge.

Mike: Working on the Python course.

1:30 p.m.

Alex: Standup meeting continues.

Mike: I come up from the basement to have some lunch and see if there is anything I need to accomplish before the kids finish their school days. I eat my lunch, unload and reload the dishwasher, and talk to Alex about our plans for the rest of the day.

2:00 p.m.

Alex: Another meeting, this time my weekly team meeting. I’ve been fully remote for six years, but I have found connecting with my coworkers is easy if I put in a bit of effort. Sharing a little about my weekend and kids has helped a ton during these meetings. Everyone wished me luck in the marathon. (I’ll need it lol.)

Mike: I come back downstairs to check my emails and get my schoolwork into a place where it is easy to resume.

2:30 p.m.

Alex: Still in the team meeting.

Mike: I meet June for her dismissal, and it annoys her that we can’t go to the park. I want to go to the park as well, but I know it’s not in her best interest. She has too many other activities the rest of the day to go roast in the sun for an hour.

3:00 p.m.

Alex: Last meeting of the day! This one is my weekly 1:1 with my direct manager. This is my opportunity to share updates on my work, work through roadblocks, and make sure she knows how hard I’m working. (I kid—sort of.)

Mike: I set June up with a snack, give her an activity that makes her happy about the fact we have skipped the park, and relax for a few minutes before picking up Ollie.

3:30 p.m.

Alex: Still in my 1:1 meeting.

Mike: I pick up Ollie, and he is also mad we are not going to the park. He has a schedule that would allow it, but at this point it would cause more trouble than it’s worth.

4:00 p.m.

Alex: The last hour of my work day is for checking in on my emails, sending off final Slack messages, and setting myself up for success for the next day.

Mike: I let Ollie come home and decompress from school. It’s at this time of day where the age difference between him and June really shows up. He really needs to be able to do nothing for a bit so he can finish out the day.

4:30 p.m.

Alex: Quickly step away from my laptop to get June dressed for dance class, then back to work to finish things up.

Mike: Ollie would watch TV for the rest of the day if we let him. He did an amazing job on a small art project yesterday, so I encourage him to try and do something similar. He is willing to do it, but it doesn’t excite him nearly as much. This is an area where I struggle. I see creativity on Monday and want to encourage it on Tuesday. At the same time, I want to make sure the kids don’t end up like me, burnt out and disinterested in it because of external forces.

5:00 p.m.

Alex: Time to drive to dance class. Turns out we’re a dance family. June takes three classes a week, Oliver takes one class, and I also took one ballet class this school year. (It just ended, woo!) Today, June has two of her classes back to back, so I’ll be at the studio for 90 minutes. It’s close to our house, which is nice, and the dance parent community there is very fun.

Mike: Jolene is driving me crazy at this point, so it is time to head to the backyard. Ollie bops around on the swingset; Jolene zooms around; Chase, our other dog, gets mad that he is outside; and I do my best to appease everyone.

5:30 p.m.

Alex: Still at dance with June.

Mike: It is so hot that we all come back inside and plop onto the couch.

6:00 p.m.

Alex: Still at dance with June.

Mike: The dogs need to be fed, which feels like the first truly calm moment in the house in a few hours.

6:30 p.m.

Alex: Pick up dinner from our local pizza place and drive home from the dance studio. We had a crazy rainstorm during class, and there are tons of tree branches down everywhere, so I’m taking a real whacky route home.

Mike: I set the table for dinner and eagerly await this meal.

7:00 p.m.

Alex: Time for family dinner! We try to sit down for meals together as often as possible. It gives us a good time to connect and talk about our days. Tonight, June lost a tooth on her pizza crust!

Mike: Same ↑

7:30 p.m.

Alex: Tonight I’m on bedtime duty, so I get the kids upstairs and into the shower, and then they change and brush their teeth. Thankfully these two love sleeping as much as we do, so bedtime isn’t a struggle for us. After a book and lullabies, it’s lights out!

Mike: I take Jolene for a long walk to help both of us unwind for the day. This is where a lot of my thinking gets done. I recap my day and the family’s day and start planning what I want from the next day and upcoming days. A lot of notes go into my phone, and half make sense when they are read later. I also use these walks to take in some podcasts or music; today was music on shuffle.

8:00 p.m.

Alex: Normally I’d help clean up the kitchen or do another small household task now, but my stomach starts hurting, so I need to lay down. I feel a little bad about not helping out, but fair doesn’t always mean 50/50 for us. I wash my face and change into pajamas.

Mike: Alex wasn’t feeling so hot, so I tackle whatever is left for cleaning up the kitchen. Lucky for me we had takeout, so cleaning up is pretty easy. 

8:30 p.m.

Alex: I lay in bed and read my book for a while (I recently started Yesteryear) until my stomach doesn’t hurt as much.

Mike: I sit on the couch and watch a combination of YouTube videos and the basketball game. There really isn’t anything grabbing me, so I am counting down the time until the dogs have been awake enough that I can go to bed.

9:30 p.m.

Alex: I’ve been awake for long enough. It’s time for bed.

Mike: I take the dogs out one last time, turn off everything in the house, and head upstairs. 

10:00 p.m.

Alex: Zzzz.

Mike: I brush my teeth, take out my contacts, and look at my phone until I realize I am better off sleeping. Good night!

Thank you so much, Alex and Mike! Please comment with kindness!

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