Last week, Politico released a story about the vulgar, racist, antisemetic, misogynistic group chat of the National Young Republican Federation. I’m not going to repeat anything they wrote—you can read the original Politico story for that horror show. Of course, the backlash was swift, and of course, almost as quickly, some Republican leaders jumped to their defense.
“The reality is that kids do stupid things, especially young boys,” Vice President JD Vance said in response to the uproar. And then the finger-pointing began, as conservative leaders scrambled to find examples of Democrats behaving as badly. Not surprisingly, it wasn’t hard to find. Some days it feels like our politicians are in a race to the bottom.
There are so many reasons why the group chat story is disturbing, but it’s Vance’s comment that has stuck with me. In a moment of frustration, I dashed off a comment on Katie Couric’s Instagram post about the leaked messages. “So sick of the ‘boys will be boys’ rhetoric,” I wrote. “I’m raising a boy and he doesn’t act like this.” That comment has since gotten 491 likes and counting.
My son actually is a kid, unlike the grown men (and some women)—most of whom are closer in age to me than they are to my son—who participated in the NYRF group chat. But since almost the minute the OB plopped my baby on my chest after he was born, I’ve thought a lot about what it means to raise a white boy in 21st century America.
Even before I became a #boymom [insert eye roll], there was a lot of negative media coverage and societal handwringing over the state of men. In 2010, Hanna Rosin wrote the seminal Atlantic piece “The End of Men,” where she asked the question: “What if modern, postindustrial society is simply better suited to women?”
In more recent years, the conversation has turned to the so-called “boy crisis,” thanks in part to the 2022 book Of Boys and Men by Richard V. Reeves, which inspired at least four New York Times op-eds. In the Upshot earlier this year, Times reporter Claire Cain Miller broke down a lot of the data points around the differences between boys and girls in the U.S. “Girls earn higher G.P.A.s,” she wrote. “Boys are more likely to be suspended.” (She’s working on a bigger reporting project on this topic, and I’m excited to read it!)
Depending on where you sit on the political spectrum, you might have a different response to this data. Some argue that boys and young men falling behind at school and work is the direct result of girls and young women excelling at school and ascending into leadership roles in the workplace. And in order to return men to their rightful positions of power, women need to quit their jobs, return to the kitchen, and start making more babies ASAP. (If it wasn’t obvious, this last sentence is sarcastic in tone.)
I’m among a generation of women who grew up being told we could be anything we wanted to be. Over the decades, that messaging has only gotten louder. And arguably it’s worked. (To be clear, I’m here for it.) But we don’t give little boys the same pep talks. We don’t tell them they can grow up to be anything they want—teachers, doctors, engineers, dads. They don’t wear “boy power” t-shirts, and there aren’t special clubs to help them build confidence. It sounds a little strange to even imagine such a thing.
Often when you suggest that maybe boys could do with a little more positive feedback, people worry that it will be to the detriment of girls. But I’m not sure why we believe that. I’ve always argued that women should have a seat at the table, but that doesn’t mean men shouldn’t be there, too. (Of course, we need to make sure they let us talk and actually listen.) I’m pretty sure we can figure out a way to build a bigger table.
I’ve established a professional career telling women’s stories and working hard to dispel harmful stereotypes about women, chief among them that we’re bad with money. But while raising a son, I’ve been stunned by the harmful stereotypes that plague boys (and, by extension, men). The messaging about what boys are like and how they behave starts from almost the minute they are born. I remember being so annoyed when I received onesies emblazoned with inane phrases like, “Mommy’s little hero.” He’s a baby—he’s no one’s hero.
“Boys are so crazy.” “Boy energy is insane.” “Boys can’t sit still.” “Boys don’t get as emotional as girls.” Even in my little corner of liberal Brooklyn, people are quick to share their strong—and often negative—opinion of boys.
It doesn’t help that the media portrays a pretty bleak image of young white men in America. They’re video-game and porn obsessed. They’re lonely. They like to hang in the darkest corners of the Internet. They can’t find work. They aren’t ambitious. Of course the boy moms are worried!
As I’ve raised my son from a tiny infant into a hilarious nine year old, I’ve found that most of the early stereotypes don’t hold up. While I think my kid is exceptional, I also don’t think he’s an exception. I frequently get the pleasure of hanging out with his goofy, gangly, sensitive, and silly boy friends. Yeah, sometimes they are loud and smelly and too rambunctious. But you know what? So are the girls.
We’re living in an age where politicians and talking heads argue that everything is either black or white, Democrat or Republican, male or female, rich or poor, young or old. We are discouraged from seeing the many shades of gray. It’s easier for them to push us all into little boxes than consider that we humans contain multitudes.
The ruling class also wants us to believe that there’s not enough room for everyone. They want to sow the division between conservative and liberal, between men and women, between races, between the young and old. If we’re distracted by our infighting, then we’ll miss the destruction that’s happening all around us—to our economy, environment, and democracy.
If we don’t push to change the narrative of what it means to be a boy and young man in America, we risk losing our kids to dark messaging that argues their setbacks are caused by the success of others. We need to have high expectations for our sons. We need to offer them role models they can look up to. We need to push back on the bullshit rhetoric that “boys will be boys.” Being a boy doesn’t give you a free pass to act badly, but it also doesn’t mean you’re doomed for failure. We need to encourage our kids—boys and girls—to be brave, empathetic individuals who don’t get hung up on headlines and stereotypes.
-Lindsey
Gender politics in the news
- As of 2023, dads represented 18% of stay-at-home parents. But the reasons why they stay home with their kids are very different from moms.
- We’re seeing a surge of women leaving the workforce, and mothers with young children are leading the exodus.
- The political right is set on demonizing women in the workplace, which could have very scary real-world repercussions.
- One teacher asks, is the boy crisis really a poverty crisis?
- Women might be making gains on men in many professions, but things are still not equal in U.S. politics.
- We’ve got to stop seeing women and men as monolithic voting blocks. Plenty of women voted for Trump in 2024, too.
What else we’re talking about
- I’m obsessed with this story in The Wall Street Journal about a woman’s 401(k) funds disappearing from her account. Turns out small businesses often use contributions when they’re having money troubles, and employees kind of just have to hope it’s rectified eventually? Not great! -Alicia
- I’ve been benefitting from Laura Fenton’s mission to get out of her apartment more—I’ve gotten to hang out with her twice in two weeks (epic since we basically live on opposite sides of the city). I loved her essay this week on the importance of getting out of the house, and how society needs to encourage the building of more third spaces. -Lindsey
- The term “Ralph Lauren Christmas” is actually making me lose my mind, but as someone who is trying to rebuild her personal style/wardrobe, I appreciated this guide from Erika Veurink on dressing the part. -Alicia
Stat of the week
On our radar
- One of my best friends, Pat Feghali, is running for the District 1 City Council seat in Santa Fe. I am so proud of her, and I know she will do a tremendous job if elected. On the off chance I have any District 1 readers beyond Pat, this is my endorsement of her! Early voting is open through November 1. (Speaking of early voting, it starts tomorrow, October 25, in New York City!) -Lindsey
- I’m extremely distressed about SNAP funds running out thanks to the government shutdown, and I’m just disgusted by the whole situation. I give monthly to a local food bank, and I encourage others who are able to do so, too. My understanding is that cash gifts are often preferred over material donations, because many food banks can negotiate lower prices on bulk orders of what they need. -Alicia
- Ken and I are celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary today! Yes, we were babies when we got married. I can say with certainty The Purse would not exist without Ken’s support—of the editorial, emotional, and health insurance variety. If you’re so inclined, play “Back in the New York Groove” for us (and for Ace Frehely, who died last week). -Lindsey
Best money we spent this week
- Every month or so, Ken or I will pop into our local bagel shop and buy a dozen bagels, which comes with a “free” pound of cream cheese. We enjoy a fresh bagel that morning and then freeze the rest to eat over the next couple of weeks. It’s one of my favorite new treats. $20 (with tip). -Lindsey
- My husband, Chris, celebrated his 34th birthday on Monday, and while we both loved having dinner at Tobala up here in the Bronx (my treat), it’s possible he liked the surprise donuts from Dunkin’ that I picked up for breakfast more. Complete with “3” and “4” candles, it cost around $12. -Alicia
