I need a hobby!

I had a hard time falling asleep last night because I’m so upset about the Senate passing “the big beautiful bill,” which is going to strip access to healthcare for millions of Americans. It feels like every day there is more terrible news, and every week I need to start this newsletter with some sort of disclaimer. This is a particularly frothy newsletter today, but maybe the topic is timely as well, because it’s not healthy for any of us to spend all our time wringing our hands with worry. But I do want readers to know that the perilous state of my country is always top of my mind, even if I don’t cover it here.

Last week, the Bureau of Labor Statistics released its American Time Use survey, which breaks down how we Americans spend our days, from sleep (we average nine hours) to work (full-time workers average eight hours on weekdays) to leisure and sports (five hours a day on average). The leisure category includes all kinds of activities from exercise to talking on the phone to attending cultural events to playing video games. It’s probably not a huge surprise that watching TV takes up the biggest chunk of our leisure time (roughly 2.6 hours), though I’m a little surprised that the 2024 survey didn’t focus more on time spent on our phones.1

It’s interesting to think about how people spend their time and how we might make the most of 24 hours in a day. I sometimes get very overwhelmed by everything that I feel like I need (and want) to do. I’m supposed to exercise regularly; cook wholesome meals; keep a tidy and well-decorated home; follow a 30-step skincare routine so I never look a day over 35; volunteer at my kid’s school and in my community; put together stylish outfits; attend my kid’s sporting and school events; plan Insta-worthy vacations using credit card points I’ve carefully earned and managed; balance my investing portfolio; call my brother; send birthday cards to loved ones; and find the time to devote to a hobby, or two, or five. (Not to mention all the shit required just to run a household.)

In truth, I actually do many of the things on this list2, though not necessarily all in the same day—and rarely up to the high standards I set for myself. (It’s weird how you can both know that society is setting the standards unrealistically high and yet still feel the desire to meet those ridiculous expectations. But I digress.) There is one area where I feel like I could do better, and that’s with hobbies. If I could really dedicate five hours a day3 toward leisure activities, I would like to spend it doing something other than watching TV or scrolling Instagram. But I really struggle to figure out what to do.

Last year, I was participating in an online networking event tied to my CUNY journalism program. I ended up in a “room” with three men, and as an icebreaker, we had to answer the question: “Do you have any hobbies?”

I always dread this question a little bit, because I’m a busy working mom—I don’t have a lot of free time. I told the group that I like to resell stuff I have laying around my house. I do it because it makes me feel good to find new homes for my unwanted things, and it’s a surprisingly nice way to get to know your neighbors. Sure, I make a little money doing it, but if you were to consider my hourly freelance rate, it’s not really the best use of my time financially. So instead of feeling guilty about the hours I spend coordinating the sales, I decided to reframe it as a hobby, albeit a productive one.

“I was thinking of more traditional hobbies,” one of the men said in response. “Like reading or crafting.” And yes, I knew that’s what he meant, but it annoyed me a bit that we feel the need to put so many conditions on what is or isn’t a legitimate hobby.

It’s not entirely fair to say I don’t have any unproductive hobbies. Ken and I got into a routine for a while where we would sit down to do the crosswords in the back of New York (on paper, how quaint!). My mom bought me a simple needlepoint project, and I’ve been working on that here and there. And this year, I’ve become a bit of a rabid Red Sox fan, and we ponied up for MLB TV so we can watch most of the games. I have strong feelings about all of the players, and I enjoy reading updates about the team on The Athletic. It’s been a really fun family activity. But the key word there is “family.”

My friend Johanna has a theory that women don’t engage in hobbies the same way men do. Shopping and working out are arguably not hobbies—even if that’s how many (not all!) of us spend our precious leisure time. Also why is it that hobbies that fall under the “men’s interests” category are generally treated with more respect? For whatever reason, we don’t give men shit for getting deep into expensive pursuits like record collecting or golfing—not the same way women are made to feel bad for spending time and money on anything that’s not directly related to caring for their families.

Labeling the creative work we do as a “hobby” also downplays the significance of the work we’re making—especially when it comes to women’s projects. When does crafting shift from being a leisure pursuit to be an artistic endeavor? And why is it that when men, say, paint or photograph, it’s often considered “art,” but when women quilt or embroider, it’s considered a “craft.”

Last month, Jennifer Cook of Mom Friend invited me to drinks with a handful of Substackers4, many of whom write their newsletters (mostly about commerce, fashion, and style) on top of working full-time jobs and caring for small children. Are they hobbyists? Or side hustlers? Or simply writers? If they were men with full-time jobs and small kids who wrote about music or sports, would that be considered more legit? I really don’t know! That’s why I’m asking!

Men also seem to be better at carving out time for these leisure pursuits. The Time Use survey found that in households with children under 18, men spend about 30 minutes more a day on leisure activities than women (3.92 vs. 3.61), and that divide is even wider for families with children under the age of six (3.45 vs. 3.02). I both admire and feel deeply jealous of Ken for making time in his schedule to play music with his band nearly every week.

I want to do something like that, but what? And when? Recently, I’ve been itching to find a hobby that takes me out of the house and connects me with other people. I know Ken would be supportive, but I can’t seem to get my act together.

Should I try tennis or pickleball? I haven’t taken a tennis lesson in 30 years, except the hour I spent with a high schooler in Cape Cod a couple of summers ago. She had never heard of Andre Agassi! (I had been reading his memoir at the time.) Needless to say, she didn’t awaken my inner tennis ace; she just made me feel old. I want to try again, but I’m not sure where to begin. And is it even possible to do in the city without spending $60+ a lesson?

I had a brief moment where I wanted to get into birding—my mom even encouraged it by giving me binoculars for Christmas, and I downloaded the Merlin Bird ID app on my phone. There are monthly bird walks at Green-Wood Cemetery, right by my apartment, but the 7:00 a.m. start time on Sundays is too early—even for this early bird.

This winter, I read a newsletter about mending clubs, and I fell down a rabbit hole researching clubs near me with grand plans to fix some hole-y cashmere gloves. There’s a group that holds a monthly mending session at the Textile Arts Center, right around the corner from my coworking space. But when I mentioned it to my friend Issy, she said I need to find a hobby that isn’t productive. Sigh.

Ideally, I was hoping to pursue one of these hobbies with some of my mom friends. It would be nice to see them beyond our semi-regular mom drinks and our kids’ sporting events and birthday parties. Perhaps I’m trying to be overly efficient in my effort to both see friends and cultivate a hobby in one fell swoop. Anyway, coordinating our busy schedules always feels near impossible.

When I think about taking on a new hobby all by myself, I lose steam. I spend a lot of time “putting myself out there” in the name of this newsletter, and it can be exhausting. (I’m an introvert at heart!) The idea of showing up at tennis lessons or a mending club all by myself sounds too hard!

It may just be that ultimately this isn’t the right time in my life to slot a new hobby into my schedule, which is why I haven’t been able to make it work. I’m building a business, taking CFP classes, and raising a kid. I’m pretty interesting and well-rounded even if I work too much. And the truth is, I get a lot of joy working on The Purse—it’s a very satisfying creative endeavor, so I should stop feeling guilty that it consumes so much of my time and brainpower. It’s not a hobby, but I love spending my time on it.

And yet, there’s something to be said about the importance of taking a break and doing something fun just for fun’s sake. There’s even scientific research that links having a hobby to better mental health. And goodness knows we could all use a mood boost during these trying times. So maybe I shouldn’t give up yet on finding a hobby to do with friends. Anyone want to take up boxing with me?

What do you Purse readers do for hobbies? How do you make the time? (Or does it also feel impossible?) And has your hobby ever turned into something more serious, like a business?

Random Extras:

• My friend L'Oreal Thompson Payton is starting a bookstore in Evanston, Illinois! How cool is that? She’s trying to raise $25,000 to support the endeavor. You can donate here! And while you’re at it, sign up for her wonderful newsletter!
• Getting started on anything can be so overwhelming. I loved this newsletter from Shira Gill on how to do something small to feel less overwhelmed.