Before I kick off this Division of Labor, I have a quick call for sources. I’m working on a fun project with Yahoo Life around back-to-school shopping, and I’m looking for some parents who might be willing to (anonymously) share their receipts. I’m especially hoping to talk to parents whose kids play sports, private school parents, home-schooling parents, and rural parents (4-H anyone?), parents with a child going off to college for their freshman year. But even if you don’t quite fit into those categories, I’d love to hear from you. Fill out this form, and I’ll reach out!
Now on to today’s DoL!
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The interesting thing about running series like Division of Labor and Home Economics is that it’s a self-selecting group who participates. Naturally, people are more inclined to share if they feel good about how their stories look on paper. That explains why it’s harder to find people to share their Home Economics entries when they have a lot of debt, and why it’s hard to find couples willing to share their Division of Labor stories when things might appear less than fair.
The other challenge with Division of Labor, which I have mentioned before, is that it can be tough to get both people in the relationship to agree to share their day. In the year since I launched the column, I’ve asked a handful of women to participate, and they turned me down because they claim their husbands are very private and don’t like to share their stories online. And I get it, and I’m respectful of that sentiment. Sometimes I wonder what the heck I’m doing sharing so much online, LOL.
In my dream world, every Division of Labor would be like Rebecca and Warren’s, the DC couple with three kids. Both of them shared so openly about their feelings on the highs and lows of having a family and careers. But as this series evolves, I also realize that sometimes I’m going to need (and want) to share entries where one spouse might not share as much (or at all). Otherwise, we’ll all miss out on a lot of interesting stories.
Which brings me to today’s Division of Labor, which features time-management strategist Kelly Nolan and her husband, whom she simply refers to as M. I connected with Kelly on Instagram, and I quickly discovered we had a shared friend in Catherine Brown, founder of The Cabro Collective, a motherhood community I adore. (Fun fact: Catherine and her husband were the second couple to participate in Division of Labor.)
I asked Kelly to participate in DoL because I thought it would be interesting to have an entry for someone who’s built a career around time management. And Kelly was happy to participate—except, she flagged to me, her husband wasn’t as interested in sharing. M is an ER doc (the second ER doc we’ve featured in this series!), and the week I asked Kelly to fill out the form was particularly busy for him. So I agreed that she could fill out the form for him, and we would simply refer to him by his initials.
Do I wish M had wanted to share more? Of course. But I also think Kelly’s entry is really important because it shows what the division of labor looks like in a family where one spouse has a very demanding in-person job and the other spouse needs to handle most of the family responsibilities (while building a business, no less!). Kelly is very open about her experience—and I think it will be relatable to many people.
If you’d like to share your own Division of Labor, you can fill out the form here. I’m especially keen to find a same-sex couple with kids, as well as someone who’s helping to care for their aging parents.
And now I’ll let Kelly take it from here!
Name: Kelly Nolan
Age: 40
Spouse’s Name: M.
Spouse’s Age: 40
Relationship Status: Married
Number of children and their ages: Two daughters, ages seven and three and a half, and our black lab, Olive.
Your job and how many hours you work per week: I’m a business owner (attorney-turned-time-management strategist). I work 25 to 35 hours per week.
Your spouse/partner’s job and how many hours they work per week: ER physician. Until this year, M worked full time, but now he’s on an 80% schedule.
Type of childcare you use: Our seven-year-old is a rising second grader and does camp during the summer. Our three-and-a-half-year-old is in full-time daycare.
How do you split up household responsibilities:
Historically, I have carried the bulk of the home and childcare tasks due to my husband’s job. Because he’s an ER doctor, he works and sleeps a lot of wild hours (and the schedule is ever-changing). For the first six and half years of my oldest daughter’s life, I solo-parented ~80% of the time (especially that first year, which coincided with my husband’s final year of his residency; he was a chief resident, and he moonlighted—fun times). M dropped to an 80% schedule this year, and that has really changed things, though we still have some tough stretches depending on his shift schedule. I really do feel like we’re experiencing a shift where he can take on more, which is exciting!
All that said, to be very clear: Through all of this, M is—and has been—an incredible partner. When he is home and awake, he takes on a lot, and it feels like we divvy the load equally in those time periods. If he’s home and up, he drives our littlest to and from daycare. He’ll cook dinner and clean up the kitchen. He’ll help with the start of bedtime and then clean up the kitchen while I wrap up bedtime.
He also fully takes on tasks that aren’t time-sensitive. For example, while we both have eyes on our finances, he handles all kid-related and health-related expenses. If a bill comes in, even if it’s for me, I drop it on his desk, and he handles it without my involvement.
Despite him shifting to 80%, I still am definitely the lead parent and often do most of the household labor because, while 80% is better than 100%, it’s still 80%. By lead parent, I mean I get up with the girls in the morning, do breakfast, unload the dishwasher, feed and walk our dog and let her out, and pack up the girls’ school bags and drive them where they need to go. I do the comparable things at night. I manage kid-related email and calendars. I get them new clothes, diapers, shoes, and seasonal gear. I order the food and/or grocery and Target shop. I figure out activity schedules and have to plan as if I am the only parent available to drive kids anywhere because M is often working during those times. I manage playdates. I manage and attend medical appointments. I do laundry, take trash out, refill TP/paper towels/dish soap, etc. etc. etc.
If a kid is sick when M is home, we split the day. If he’s not, obviously, it’s me. Because of this, I plan my most important meetings only for days/times when he’s not working and will be awake. It’s been a sanity-saver to just embrace our reality and plan that way.
What labor do you outsource?
- Daycare and school/camps—my kids are there every weekday from 8:30 a.m. to 3:30/4:00 p.m.
- House-cleaning every other week
- Instacart
- For the past three years, we hired a woman who runs her own private chef company to cook for us in our house on Mondays. She cooks four to five meals, Tupperwares them up, and M and I eat them throughout the week. I still end up cooking for the kids a lot because of their preferences. Given that I’m a terrible cook and how much I solo-parented over these past three years, it was an incredible help. We’re taking over cooking again in August (our wonderful chef is moving, but also M is doing more cooking these days), and I’m really excited about it (though, I know that will probably wear off quickly haha). It was an incredible service when we were really in the thick of it, and it’s nice now that that season is behind us to let that go. I think outsourcing becomes more realistic and appealing if we can think of at least some of it as seasonal.
- When M is working a full weekend, I’ll often schedule four hours of childcare on a Saturday or Sunday morning so I can have a few hours to do things for myself (or work if germs derailed my plans earlier in the week). This is becoming less of a need now that my kids are older and don’t require my full attention, but it’s been great—and it helps me enjoy my time with my kids when I’m with them.
How did you decide who does what:
Whether M is home and awake is obviously the main driver. On an ongoing basis, we try to give him things that aren’t time-sensitive, as I mentioned (e.g., paying bills—it’s okay if they wait a week or two). He’s also completely in charge of yardwork.
However, when he is home, we also have some things he takes over: driving the our youngest to/from daycare; dinner prep, if needed; cleaning up the kitchen; helping with bedtime; or simply hanging out with the girls so I can bop around the house doing things or work a little more. We also share dog walking, driving to/from other kid activities, and running errands.
Things I hold onto regardless: laundry, mornings with the girls (we prioritize M’s sleep—I worry about his health due to his lack of a circadian rhythm), and usually bedtime with the girls. (It got too confusing for us to try to have him do it when he was home—we’ll keep trying, though, because bedtime is my least favorite time of day.)
Can you share one “parenting hack” that’s worked for your family:
1.) Put everything on the calendar. Not only will it help lighten your mental load and ensure the workload/plan is realistic, but it also allows you to show your partner in a visual, concrete way all that you’re doing. This helps you both get on the same page about what needs to happen, helps motivate you to share the load more equitably, and allows for that appreciation more often.
2.) Go out of town and leave your partner with the kids. It’s great for my husband to see how much work it can be (again, he’s wonderful, but we can all use the reminder), and it helps the kids connect with their dad more. Plus, it’s great for me to have the break. I just got back from a trip to NYC with my seven-year-old. My very-mommy-obsessed three-year-old is now constantly asking where Daddy is, when he’s coming back from work, when he’ll wake up, etc. etc. etc. It’s awesome.
Do you feel like it’s a fair division of labor:
It’s not the vision I had for myself in my 20s. But yes, I think we’ve found—and continually rediscover—our balance of what feels fair and equitable given our situation. It will continue to evolve, and we’ll keep finding that balance. The part that makes me optimistic is the genuine respect and appreciation we have for each other. And when we have hiccups, we address them. I’d like to say we do this calmly, but I can be a bit of a hothead (but I’m also quick to apologize). On the whole, though, we communicate, love and like each other, and have mutual respect. That’s a pretty good foundation to build on—and rebuild on as life shifts.
Anything else you’d like to share?
I really struggled with all of this in the beginning—especially during our first year of parenthood. The feminist in me grew up expecting my partner to carry equal weight at home, and when we had our first daughter and M was working all the time, I struggled. I intellectually understood he couldn’t help out more, and I was the one who pushed for kids on my timeline despite him warning me about his inability to help more during his last year of residency. But I still felt so angry and frustrated. (Hello, hormones!) It took a while, and a great conversation with a friend, for me to accept that M couldn’t help in the ways that I wanted him to (at least during residency), but that also meant I didn’t have to do it all alone. We started outsourcing more and eventually moved back to my home state of Minnesota so we could be close to my family. (I recorded a podcast episode on this in case it helps—episode 76 of my podcast, The Bright Method.)
Over time, this has become easier because: 1.) M has been able to help out more now that he’s an attending physician and working an 80% schedule; 2.) our kids are getting older, and the parenting is less all-consuming; and 3.) M is so appreciative of all that I do. He’ll come home from a 12-hour overnight shift and thank me for holding down the fort. I’ve found that mutual respect for all of the kinds of work that supports our family goes so far. Plus, he wholeheartedly encourages me to grow my business, so he can work even less and cook even more. I think he’d happily be a stay-at-home, hobbyist dad.
Kelly and her husband shared a recent weekday.
5:00 a.m.
Kelly: As usual, my three-and-a-half-year-old woke up right at 5:00 a.m. on the nose. She makes her presence known by opening and closing her door until I come to get her. I get dressed quickly and whisk her downstairs before she wakes her big sister in the room next door. As usual, I forget her glasses upstairs, so I sneak up a little later to grab them.
Downstairs, I feed our lab, Olive, and turn on the coffee maker. My youngest dictates what we do—often, we watch Bluey or Octonauts. Today, we read a book in the kitchen and then chat while I make her some food.
I check my messages and see M texted he was leaving work at 11 p.m. (He works about an hour and ten minutes away.) I check our security system to see he came in around 12:20 a.m. just to make sure he made it home. (I’m anxious about him driving after night shifts.) I also realize he probably went to bed at 1:30 a.m., after he ate, maybe showered, and wound down. That means he won’t be up this morning before the girls leave. Last year, we converted a basement storage room into a tiny (kind of creepy) bedroom for him to crash in after late shifts. It’s been a godsend, as he doesn’t wake me up when he gets home, and I don’t wake him up in the morning. Plus, I can get ready without sneaking around and waking him five times in the morning.
M: Sleeping after a late shift.
5:30 a.m.
Kelly: I follow my youngest’s lead. We empty the dishwasher (she’s deep into helping now, which I love). She eventually requests to watch some TV show. While she does that, I check work emails and post something to Instagram I already prepared. I sneak down to our basement laundry room to flip laundry. I put a load in last night and set a delay-start for 3 a.m. I let Olive out in our backyard, and I try to stay vigilant so she doesn’t bark and disturb the neighbors this early.
6:00 a.m.
Kelly: I make my breakfast and eat half of it (a protein pancake). I leave the rest to eat throughout the morning.
6:30 a.m.
Kelly: My older daughter wakes up. This is pretty late for her, but we had a big weekend away in NYC. I short-order-chef their breakfasts—this morning: toast and cereal. I don’t love all the straight carbs, but I can’t tell you how often I try to get them to eat healthier foods. I will keep trying.
7:00 a.m.
Kelly: My “Kelly, get ready” alarm goes off. This means, “Hey, stop puttering around and actually focus.” I make sure their backpacks are packed using a checklist I’ve taped to the inside of the cabinet closest to our mudroom. This is key, as I loathe having to make another trip to school if I forget something.
After a warning, I turn the TV off. Usually it’s off by now because my kids love playing together and running around like maniacs, but the seven-year-old woke up late, and she’s moving slowly. She gets dressed.
7:35 a.m.
Kelly: I cheerily shout, “potty and shoes!” until both girls have been to the potty and put on their shoes.
7:45 a.m.
Kelly: I start the “everyone in the car!” routine. Backpacks go in. Grab the car snacks. I put on my shoes. I get the girls in the car. I run back in for my water. And again for the keys. And we pull out at 7:55 a.m. It’s a little later this morning than normal, but it’s fine—it’s summer!
We drop my youngest off first because her daycare is the closest (a six-minute drive, no stoplights, dreamy) and then jump on the highway for camp. Summer adds 40-plus minutes to my morning-kid driving, and that means I don’t get to sit down to work until 9 a.m. at the earliest.
8:30 a.m.
Kelly: Instead of going straight home, I swing by a gas station/car wash place where we have a membership. I normally do this on Fridays, but I was out of town last week. My car needs gas, a vacuum (ah, trampled graham crackers), and an exterior wash.
Then I swing by my parents’ house to drop off a gift my sister gave me to give to them (I visited her in NYC). While there, I pet their dog for too long. She’s getting really old, which makes me sad.
9:00 a.m.
Kelly: I get home around 9:05 a.m. M is awake, which is earlier than I expected. I tidy up the kitchen a bit as the house cleaners are coming today, and we chat about his shift and the girls.
I take Olive for a walk and listen to a business podcast in an effort to shift gears. It feels good to move after so much driving. I answer some emails.
M: M heads to the driving range to get some sunshine and movement before his 12 p.m. shift starts.
9:30 a.m.
Kelly: Before a work call, I put on a bit of makeup and fix my hair so I look more alive on Zoom.
10:00 a.m.
Kelly: Work call!
10:30 a.m.
Kelly: Work call!
11:00 a.m.
Kelly: Our house cleaners arrive as my call wraps up. This is one of my favorite days, especially as our lab is shedding like crazy, and it’s amazing to have help cleaning up all her hairballs.
Move out of my office to let cleaners have full reign. Go eat lunch.
M: M home to shower, eat, and relax before work.
11:30 a.m.
Kelly: I sit on the couch with my laptop and work on emails. I flip laundry as loads finish.
M: M heads out to drive to his noon-to-midnight shift.
12:00 p.m.
Kelly: I schedule a medical appointment for me and send more work-related emails.
M: M starts his shift.
12:30 p.m.
Kelly: Review some ideas from the woman who helps me with my social media accounts.
1:30 p.m.
Kelly: Work call!
1:30 p.m.
Kelly: Fill out this form ◡̈
2:00 p.m.
Kelly: I take Olive for a 20-minute walk and call my mom.
2:30 p.m.
Kelly: Workout and shower.
3:00 p.m.
Kelly: Grab all the snacks, kids’ water bottles, and a Spindrift for me. Leave to get my kids—first camp and then daycare. We get home around 4:10 p.m.
4:10 p.m.
Kelly: I feed the girls a snack of mozzarella and tomatoes. (It’s my oldest daughter’s new fave.) I battle with the three-and-a-half-year-old because I’m willing to give her half a bagel but not the whole thing. I try, unsuccessfully, to sell her on the raspberries, and I lose hearing in one ear from the screaming. (Joking…barely!) I place a GrubHub order because one of my friend’s new potato chip products are being featured at a local restaurant on a trial basis (woohoo!), and I want to support his and his wife’s business.
4:30 p.m.
Kelly: The OT for one of my girls arrives at the house. I was thrilled when I found a therapist who could come to the house after 4 p.m. It makes our lives much easier. The other daughter gets iPadded to keep her happy and quiet so her sister can focus.
5:00 p.m.
Kelly: I send off some medical-related emails before OT is over.
5:30 p.m.
Kelly: After OT, I feed the girls dinner. We have a routine where I give them a few five-minute warnings before it’s time to go up to bed. They are tired tonight, so I start the first “5 minutes” at 5:45 p.m., knowing we won’t really start our bedtime routine until closer to 6:00. Head upstairs for bath time, and the oldest one decides she wants her bath alone tonight.
6:15 p.m.
Kelly: Run a bath for the seven-year-old. She’s all bathed and in pajamas by 6:45 p.m.
6:45 p.m.
Kelly: Bath time for the three-and-a-half-year-old.
7:10 p.m.
Kelly: Start bedtime routine. Both girls need string cheeses, but at separate times, of course. Run downstairs twice for those. And then again for stuffies. And then again for a stuffy we can’t find (it was lodged in a lampshade). Brush teeth and hair. Allergy pill for the seven-year-old. Everyone (including Olive) piles on my youngest daughter’s bed to read a book. Sister cuddle time turns into amped-up playing, which I have to break up because I’m mean like that.
7:30 p.m.
Kelly: Finally, I get the girls in their separate rooms. I tell the three-and-half-year-old I’ll be back. She reads books until she gets bored and then starts running around as I try to nicely yell, “Please go back to your room!” from her older sister’s bedroom.
In the seven-year-old’s room, I help her set up her bed and all the pillows and stuffies the way she likes. I lay in bed and talk to her for a while, tickle her back, and tuck her in. I start her fan, white-noise machine, and Yoto classical music, and then I give her one last hug.
Then I go into my three-and-a-half-year-old’s room and help her calm down (this takes a while). I climb into bed with her and talk. She asks me to leave so she can play with her toys, so I say goodnight and leave.
8:00 p.m.
Kelly: I do a little work since this day got eaten up by some personal stuff. I struggle with my reduced work hours in the summer—90 minutes of extra driving that eats into a lot of my work day!
8:30 p.m.
Kelly: Clean up kitchen while listening to Marco Polos from friends.
9:00 p.m.
Kelly: Wash face, etc.
9:30 p.m.
Kelly: Bed. This is a little late for me. I love getting in bed around 8 p.m., but when the kids go to bed close to 8 p.m, that’s too tight for me. I need some productive time after they’re asleep, so 9:30 p.m. it is!
12:00 a.m.
M: M gets off shift (hopefully on time!) and drives home.
Thank you, Kelly and M!
Please comment with kindness!
