I’m the (very proud) daughter of a pediatrician and a pharmacist. Growing up with two working parents whose professional careers did not fit within the confines of the traditional 9-to-5 definitely shaped how I think about work and family. They loved me and their careers, and I feel lucky to have grown up with role models who showed me you can have both, even if it takes a lot of work. (Okay, let’s be real, so so so so so much work.)
Perhaps because I grew up around so many medical professionals, I feel a deep respect and admiration for those who choose to pursue jobs that literally save lives. Becoming a doctor is a huge accomplishment all on its own. But more and more, I’ve discovered doctors who also find time to pursue amazing creative projects. I try not to feel too jealous that they have so many talents!
I’ve long had a low-key obsession with Grace Farris, who’s both a doctor and the creator of the delightful “Weekend Mom” comics. And through Substack,1 I was lucky enough to happen upon Istiaq Mian, who pens the wonderful Substaq of Istiaq, where he writes on all kinds of topics, from parenthood to his experiences working in medicine. He’s married to a fellow doctor, Jillian, and they have two school-aged children, so of course I wanted him to participate in Division of Labor. I needed to know how he and his wife make it work, because I knew their schedules were not for the faint of heart.
And friends, their DoL completely blew me away! When I first gave Istiaq and Jillian’s entry a quick review, I sent him a note saying I was never, ever going to complain about my schedule again! I’m so grateful they took the time to share. It’s impressive how much they accomplish in one day!
I’ll let them take it from here! Enjoy!
Name: Istiaq
Age: 38
Spouse’s Name: Jillian
Spouse’s Age: 39
Relationship Status: Married since 2014
Number of children and their ages: We have two children; our daughter (Nilly) is in kindergarten, and our son (Malcom) is in 4K.
Your job and how many hours your work per week (just needs to be ballpark, like full-time, part-time, etc):
I’m a hospitalist—an internal medicine physician who works in the hospital setting only—and my schedule is seven days on/seven days off. I work at a community hospital, and when I’m on, it’s about a 70-hour week when I’m working day shifts. When it’s evening shifts (about 20% of my shifts are evenings), it’s a little less than that.
Your spouse/partner’s job and how many hours they work per week:
Jillian is an academic physician. She is boarded in family medicine and addiction medicine, so she wears many hats. She’ll see patients in a clinic, in the hospital, on the labor-and-delivery ward, and in nursing homes. She also takes many meetings from home and trains family physicians who want to work in rural settings. She works about 55–60 hours a week.
Type of childcare you use:
Nilly goes to kindergarten at a public school two blocks from our house until the afternoon. Grandma (Jillian’s mom) provides after-school care until I get home around 5 p.m. She does this on the weeks when I work. I do pickup on the weeks I’m off.
Malcom goes to full-time 4K. On my weeks off, I keep him home one day, and we do activities around Madison.
How do you split up household responsibilities:
Depends on the week. Overall, I do most of the kids’ drop-offs and pickups as Malcom’s 4K is next to my hospital. During my weeks on, Jillian will walk Nilly to school a couple mornings and our lovely next-door neighbors will walk her the other mornings. I’ll make the kids’ breakfast and pack Nilly’s lunch. Jillian helps them get dressed.
We try to cook at home each night, but I would say on average, we go out to eat as a family once a week. On the weeks that I work, Jillian will make dinner Monday and Tuesday since those are her more flexible days. Then I’ll make dinner Wednesday through Friday. On my weeks on, when I “cook,” sometimes it’s something as simple as heating dumplings or making sandwiches with a veggie side.
I work every other weekend, and Jillian is with the kids during that time. In this winter season, during the week, Jillian will take Nilly to violin and swimming, and I take Malcom to soccer. We cap kids activities at two per child; anything more than that and we would lose our minds.
The weeks that I’m off, I have more time to do “homework,” like oil changes/car maintenance (our Prius is nearing 190K miles), grocery store runs, kids’ appointments, my own appointments, and self-care (I exercise two to three times during my week off).
We always tag-team bedtime, but if someone has an obligation in the evening, we are happy to accommodate the other person because as the kids get older, bedtime is not as arduous.
What labor do you outsource?
Daycare for our son and kindergarten for our daughter.
We do use house cleaners once a month, and that’s been incredible. We started doing that after we had our first child. While I could do deep cleaning during my weeks off, I have little motivation, and the cleaners do a better job than me.
How did you decide who does what:
We play to our strengths when it comes to dividing the household work. Jillian is intentional about getting the kids into activities and finding fun outings and events around town. She is also handier than me (she changed our kitchen sink and bathroom sink faucets by watching YouTube). I grew up in apartments until age 16, and I still don’t know what every tool is in a toolbox, so if she can’t fix something, I’ll try when I have time, but I am more apt to outsource that stuff.
Regarding household tasks, we fell into a pattern and became comfortable with it. I take out the trash and mow the lawn. We share taking care of our chickens (feeding them and cleaning their coop). Jillian washes our sheets and linens and does the never-ending kids’ laundry. She carves out extra time with our kindergartner for teaching her how to read and practicing violin.
Jillian keeps a garden in the summer, and the kids love gathering fresh veggies and herbs. Our fruit trees (apple, plum, and cherry) have recently started bearing fruit, which is a big thrill.
Can you share one “parenting hack” that’s worked for your family:
We try to meet once every two weeks for lunch or coffee when the kids are at school and just talk. It can sneak up on you how much time passes without talking to your partner about how they’re doing and what they’re thinking. If we don’t check in, things can get assumed or missed.
We buy a lot of used items. The neighborhood we’re in has spring and fall garage sales and with the kids changing/growing, we try to avoid buying new items, since there’s so many clothes/toys/bikes looking to be re-homed. Besides the garage sales, we use Buy Nothing Groups and Facebook Marketplace for used items.
We got a cargo e-bike a few years ago, which was a game-changer for us in the one-to-five-year age window before our kids could really bike on their own. It is so much fun to ride, and we use our cars less and spend more time outside together in the summer.
Do you feel like it’s a fair division of labor:
Currently, yes. This tends to evolve. When the kids were younger, it was a lot more work for Jillian, as she was providing more for the kids; providing their nutrition, sustaining them, all while balancing the rigors of being a primary care physician. I’m glad I’m able to step up now and make things feel more even when I have time off from work.
Last fall, she was able to take an eight-day vacation with her college girlfriends, and I was happy she did that. That was the first time she was away from all of us for pure enjoyment.
Anything else you’d like to share?
About a year and a half ago, Jillian convinced her mom to move to Madison from Colorado to help us. Our schedules had gotten more difficult with our oldest starting kindergarten and Malcom’s daycare shortening their hours so the latest pickup is 5 p.m. My mother-in-law’s support helps our work/family life feel more balanced. She has also allowed us to go on dates/outings that we otherwise never would have considered before. (We spent a night in Chicago for my birthday.) She may return to Colorado in the future, but for now, we’re grateful she’s helping us and can join us for dinners, and the kids love spending time with her.
Jillian and Istiaq shared a (very busy) Friday in February.
6:00 a.m.
Jillian: I wake up and get ready. I make coffee via Aeropress as I broke my French press beaker last week, and I haven’t gotten around to getting another one.
7:00 a.m.
Istiaq: I wake up. I slept in, as I went to sleep at 11:30 p.m. after my evening shift at the hospital. I realize my phone isn’t on my bedside table, so I text Jillian from my laptop, and she turns her car around to drop off my cell phone at home.
Jillian: I sign on for a remote meeting for med school admissions while driving to work 25 minutes away. I have to pull into a KwikTrip to look at my notes and present my part of the meeting. I get a text from Istiaq and realize I grabbed his phone, too. I jump off the meeting early and turn around.
7:30 a.m.
Istiaq: Kids wake up. Nilly has the day off from school due to teacher in-service. I decide to keep Malcom home since I’m feeling lazy; I don’t want to drop him off and pick him up five hours later. I text his school.
I help the kids get dressed and ensure they brush their teeth. Though four years old, Malcom now insists I brush his teeth for him after having brushed his teeth by himself when he was three.
Jillian: Back on the road.
8:00 a.m.
Istiaq: I make breakfast—oatmeal with chia seeds—for myself and the kids.
Jillian: I arrive at the nursing home to see patients. It’s a full schedule today.
9:00 a.m.
Istiaq: We’re into playing Go Fish and memory card games, so between the three of us, we play games and hang out for an hour.
10:00 a.m.
Istiaq: The kids usually get a movie night every Friday. Since they’re not watching a movie tonight (we have other plans), I decide to let them watch a movie during the day. While they watch, I make myself a cup of chai and slow down a bit. Mornings after working evenings feel tiresome. I do dishes and clean/sweep the first floor of the house.
11:00 a.m.
Istiaq: I start boiling water to make ravioli. During work weeks, Jillian and I load up on easy meals from Aldi that the kids like, such as ravioli, fish fillets for sandwiches, or salmon plus veggies.
Jillian: I finish seeing patients, write my orders, and call families with updates.
11:30 a.m.
Istiaq: Movie finishes. Not too much of a meltdown this time when I turn off the laptop. (We decided to put our TV in the basement because the kids always ask for TV time if it’s in the house.)
Jillian: I drive 15 minutes to my clinic in the next small town over.
12:00 p.m.
Istiaq: Kids eat lunch and the floors get dirty again. I eat some ravioli, too, and then do dishes and sweep the floor again.
Jillian: I hop on the laptop for a lunch presentation I am giving to a statewide substance use disorder treatment group. Even though I am in academic medicine, I loathe public speaking, but people seem engaged, and I’m pleased.
1:00 p.m.
Istiaq: Nilly spots an icicle outside on our roof and wants to grab one to bring inside the house. I tell her to get dressed to collect icicles outside with her brother. They play outside for half an hour.
Jillian: Afternoon clinic starts. I have eight more patients to see—it’s a mix of well-child checks, an older adult who fell in his driveway, diabetes and chronic disease management, and a routine physical. I also get to see a baby I delivered last month and help her mama with breastfeeding, which is the highlight.
1:30 p.m.
Istiaq: Drop off kids with Grandma, who lives about a 10-minute drive from our house. Today, she is watching both the kids for three-and-a-half hours and then Malcom for an additional two hours. Normally during the work week, we don’t ask her to watch the kids for that long, but when I work evenings and Jillian plans a nighttime outing, Grandma helps us a lot!
2:00 p.m.
Istiaq: I arrive at the hospital and start doing admissions. I see an elderly man with Parkinson’s who unfortunately is falling frequently at home and needs to come in.
3:30 p.m.
Istiaq: I start taking triage calls from our hospital and other area hospitals. Tonight, we don’t have many beds for transfers from other smaller hospitals, but our ER is full and keeps the admissions coming. I work alongside four other colleagues to do admissions this evening.
4:30 p.m
Jillian: I wrap up with my last patient and work through the prescription refills, phone calls, and MyChart messages that seem most urgent. I leave some of the less urgent ones to address later in the evening.
5:30 p.m.
Jillian: Drive back to Madison and meet my mom at a Tibetan restaurant where she’s just ordered dumplings for the kids (one of their favorites). Malcom decides he just wants to eat the dough, and I’m mostly left eating the filling.
6:30 p.m.
Jillian: Nilly and I head downtown for a local production of Cinderella.
7:00 p.m.
Istiaq: I’m off triage and continue to work. I eat dinner at the hospital—a chicken wrap and chips from the physician’s lounge.
Jillian: The show is great. I can’t stop looking over at Nilly’s sweet face mesmerized by the performers.
7:30 p.m.
Istiaq: I see a patient who has persistent vomiting from a urinary tract infection and can’t keep oral antibiotics down. She comes in for intravenous antibiotics.
8:00 p.m.
Jillian: The show finishes. I realize my phone is almost dead, so I quickly call my mom and tell her we are headed over to pick up Malcom.
8:30 p.m.
Istiaq: Read Division of Labor in between admissions.2 Lindsey emailed me the list of questions for the column the previous day, so I peruse the previous editions!
Jillian: I pick up Malcom, and we head home.
9:00 p.m.
Istiaq: Last admission is someone who has possible seizures. Tonight, I do four admissions in addition to triaging.
Jillian: As soon as we get home, the kids say they are hungry. I’m a little annoyed because it's late, but I cut up some apples for a bedtime snack, and we get into jammies and read Frog and Toad before bed.
I am exhausted, but I want to do a little research on travel destinations in the Western Balkans for a trip we have planned this summer.
10:00 p.m.
Istiaq: Done on time. Drive home.
Jillian: I start to doze off but awake to the sound of Nilly coughing, and then vomiting (something from the restaurant didn’t agree with her). I rush into her room, and there is vomit coming through the slats in the top bunk, narrowly missing her brother’s head below. OMG. I scoop her up and do the best I can, cleaning her hair and changing her clothes. I put her in our bed on top of a towel. Poor baby.
10:30 p.m.
Istiaq: I walk through the door, and Jillian texts me that Nilly vomited. She tells me to sleep in the guest room since she has Nilly in our bed.
11:00 p.m.
Istiaq: Nilly vomits again. I get her a new towel and her water bottle, and Jillian cleans up the bed.
11:30 p.m.
Istiaq: Lights out!
12:00 a.m.
Jillian: I fall asleep.
Thank you so much, Istiaq and Jillian! I loved getting a peek inside your busy lives!
Please comment with kindness!
Random Extras:
ICYMI, Aja Frost wrote more about her experience getting a prenup in last week’s edition of Platonic Love. It was such a good read (and wonderful follow-up to our Group Chat).
Big congrats to Emma Pattee on the publication of her debut novel, Tilt. She sent me an advanced copy earlier this winter, and I couldn’t put it down (and I honestly never read anything these days).
Just a reminder that paid subscribers are automatically entered to win a monthly prize. This month I’m giving away Mary Catherine Starr’s awesome new book, Mama Needs a Minute, as well a one of her fun “No worries if not!” mugs!3
I was trying to figure out how I discovered Istiaq, and I think it must have been via Marc Typo and his wonderful newsletter, Raising Myles. (And another DoL participant!) ↩
Lindsey here to say I remember this night, and not only did Istiaq read back issues of DoL, but he left the nicest comments! ↩
The sweepstakes is limited to readers within the U.S. It closes at 11:59 p.m. ET on March 31, 2025. To enter without upgrading to a paid subscription, please reply to this email by 11:59 p.m. ET on March 31, 2025, that you would like to be entered in the sweepstakes. If there are any further questions, simply respond to this email, and I will do my best to answer them. ↩
