A decade ago (eep!), we launched Money Diaries at Refinery29, and we were immediately inundated with commenters sharing their very strong opinions about how the diarists were managing their money. There was one topic in particular that stirred up a lot of strong feelings: money and dating.
I still remember a story my colleague Jessica Chou wrote on the topic, where she detailed some of the reader reactions. My favorite was the commenter who was annoyed that the diarist’s boyfriend chipped in to cover some of her expenses, calling it ’50s AF. The diarist was 27, making $120k in NYC, and her boyfriend bought dinner three times over a seven-day period. She picked up the tab once. It doesn’t feel so egregious to me, but then again, it takes a lot for me to be judgmental when it comes to how people manage their money.
But how are you supposed to navigate who pays for what when you’re dating someone? As someone who’s been with the same guy for 101 20-plus years, it feels impossible for me to weigh in. (Also, Ken and I definitely always split the check back in our dating days.) When I read about how Gen Z are supposedly navigating their romantic lives, I always feel a weird mix of awe and embarrassment. The rules of courtship are constantly changing, how could an old married lady like me possibly offer advice?
Recently, however, I was working on a piece for Yahoo on how much couples spend on date nights, and I stuck a random question in the survey about who should pay on the first date. I figured I might have some single people weighing in, but in the end, it was all women in relationships. And yet, a few of them had opinions anyway, which amused and delighted me. I thought I’d share in hopes that maybe it would be a way for us to kick off a conversation about this complicated topic.
It can make a good first impression
“I’m not single, but I paid for the first date with my now husband, and I think it made a very good impression. We generally take turns now.” –31-year-old tech worker in South New Jersey
Both parties should offer
“I’m not single, but I think it's polite for both parties to offer and whoever insists the hardest should pay.” –33-year-old designer in Houston
The person who asks should pay
“I'm married, but I believe that the person who asked for the date should pay for it.” –27-year-old inventory manager in the Boston-area
Split the bill
“The guy [should pay], or you should go Dutch, which I know is outdated.” –31-year-old in Portland, Maine
“Not [single] anymore, but when I was, I fully believed in splitting the tab on the first date.” –stay-at-home mom in Washington, D.C.
Men should pick up the check
“From recent dating days, the man [should pick up the check] as they get paid more in our society!” –PR professional in the Bay Area
