Alicia here. It’s the 21st edition of Division of Labor and the first featuring a same-sex couple. This lack of diversity has bothered Lindsey for a while, and we hope Brianna and Meghan sharing their story will encourage more same-sex couples to do the same. This series is so much richer when it features a diverse range of families.
Across the U.S., members of the LGBTQ+ community tend to have lower average incomes and higher poverty rates than heterosexual Americans. This is especially true for transgender people and LGBTQ+ people of color. Their home ownership rates are also lower, as well as ownership rates of other financial assets like retirement accounts.
But coupledom changes things: Same-sex couples have higher median household incomes than heterosexual couples in the U.S. There’s some nuance there, of course. Male-male couples have the highest median household incomes, at $134,000, while female-female couples have median incomes around $104,00, according to 2024 data from the U.S. Census Bureau. Married heterosexual couples, meanwhile, slide right in between, with a median household income of $114,300.
Compared to married opposite-sex couples, it is much more likely that both spouses in a gay couple work outside the home, as is the case for the two women featured in today’s Division of Labor. As Brianna explains, she and Meghan clearly can’t adhere to the traditional gender roles that sometimes plague heterosexual relationships. They are both aware of the mental load—the often unseen cognitive and emotional work needed to run a household—and strive to lessen it for the other. Brianna cooks because she enjoys it, and Meghan handles the dishes.
We’d love to feature more same-sex couples. (We’re also looking for people who are caring for their aging parents.) If you’re interested in sharing your story, please fill out this form. It’s far less intensive than the Home Economics form. If you have a friend who has an interesting story, please share!
Name: Brianna
Age: 32
Spouse’s Name: Meghan
Spouse’s Age: 32
Relationship status: Married. We’ve been together for 11 years, and we are celebrating our fourth wedding anniversary this month!
Number of children and their ages: We have one toddler.
Your job and how many hours you work per week: I’m a project coordinator and work 40 hours per week. I am able to work from home one day each week.
Your spouse’s job and how many hours they work per week: Meghan is a digital designer and also works 40 hours per week. She has a flexible schedule that allows her to work from home three days each week. Meghan also does freelance work that takes up an additional five to 10 hours per week.
Type of childcare you use: Our toddler goes to daycare full time, Monday through Friday.
How do you split up household responsibilities? I am in charge of meal planning and grocery shopping, as well as cooking the family meals. I love cooking. I previously worked in a restaurant, and I also used to cook at my current workplace. Now that I do neither of those things, I like to cook at home. I also handle our toddler’s laundry, take on most of the care for our two cats, and do daycare dropoff and pickup Monday through Thursday.
Meghan cleans up after meals and handles the dishes. She also washes towels and bedding, vacuums, manages our family finances and budget, and does daycare dropoff and pickup on Fridays.
Each night, we rotate who does bathtime and who reads our toddler bedtime stories. We also switch off who wakes the toddler and gets him ready for daycare during the week, usually based around Meghan’s work-from-home schedule. We also trade off cleaning tasks aside from vacuuming and dishes; whoever has the time and mental capacity takes these on. We also share lawn-mowing duties, though this has primarily fallen on Meghan this year.
What labor do you outsource? Our toddler goes to daycare during the week. We are fortunate that we have family who live nearby, so they are able to babysit when we have plans outside of the work hours. We’ve talked about hiring a biweekly or monthly cleaning service, but unfortunately it’s not in the budget at the moment. Future goal!
How did you decide who does what? We talked about it! After our baby started daycare (around six months), we sat down and assigned tasks to each person based on interest, strength, schedule, etc. This helped set clear expectations about who was doing what in an effort to ease the mental load on both of us. Since then, we regularly check in to make sure we still feel good about our assigned tasks and make any changes if needed.
Can you share one “parenting hack” that’s worked for your family? We’ve found that if we are getting overwhelmed or frustrated with our toddler, we can ask the other parent to “tap in.” This allows the first parent to step away and take a breath before yelling or saying something she might regret later.
We are also in the toddler stage, where defiance reigns supreme. We’ve found that playing on his FOMO and/or turning everything into a competition has really improved his rule-following ability.
If you are able, give each parent one day to sleep in on the weekend. With a toddler who barely sleeps past 7 a.m., it’s nice to know that I can sleep in once a week.
How do you spend time together as a couple? We have a subscription to the Broadway shows at our local theater, so we have date nights about once a month. Besides that, it’s hard to find time with an active toddler!
Do you feel like it’s a fair division of labor? I think that we’ve worked hard to achieve a fair division of labor, though it’s an ongoing work in progress. It definitely ebbs and flows with our work schedules and extracurriculars, so it’s not always 50/50. Communication and flexibility are so important when more of the labor falls on one person for a period of time.
Anything else you’d like to share? As a same-sex couple, our roles didn’t fall into anything gender specific, which I think really played to our advantage. It didn’t feel like any of the tasks were assigned to me specifically because of my gender. It forced us to have the “division of labor” conversation early and often to be sure that everything is getting done.
For couples who might be struggling with this, my advice would be to be honest when discussing the various tasks. If you don’t express concern or feelings of being overwhelmed, your partner might not notice. Continue to tweak your division of labor until both partners feel comfortable.
Brianna and Meghan shared a recent weekday.
5:00 a.m.
Brianna: I wake up to the cats meowing, likely begging for food. It’s too early to feed them, so I go to the bathroom and then try to ignore them.
5:30 a.m.
Brianna: I fall back to sleep just in time to be woken again by the cats meowing. Still too early, so I attempt to ignore them and get a bit more sleep before my alarm goes off at 6. Sometimes the cats are worse than the toddler.
6:00 a.m.
Brianna: The alarm goes off, so the cats finally get fed. Then I’m off to shower and get ready for the day.
6:30 a.m.
Meghan: My alarm goes off. I wake up and then go wake up the toddler. I take him to the toilet, help him pick out clothes, and get him dressed. I put lotion on his face. He runs off to Brianna, so I take this opportunity to make our coffees for the day.
Brianna: After I’m ready, I prep the lunch boxes for the toddler and me. We almost always have leftovers from dinner, and this lunch is no exception. Next, I turn on the coffee machine so that it has a chance to warm up before I brew my espresso shots.
Once all of those tasks are complete, I finally sit down to eat a bowl of cereal while I read my book (currently Isola by Allegra Goodman). I hear the toddler up, and per usual, he asks me to share my cereal with him. I give him a piece, and he’s on his way. I clean up my bowl and help get the toddler’s shoes on. Luckily, Meghan makes my coffee for me, and then we are out the door.
7:00 a.m.
Meghan: I say goodbye to Brianna and the toddler and then sit down to eat my own breakfast. Then I get ready for the day to work from home.
Brianna: Luckily, this morning the toddler doesn’t fight back too much about getting in the car seat, and we drive to daycare, which is conveniently only three minutes from our house. The toddler announces that he has to go potty, so I quickly get him inside the building and into the bathroom. With a newly potty-trained kid, you never know how long you have to find a toilet after they announce that they have to pee.
Normally it’s pretty easy to drop him off, but this morning he’s clinging onto me for dear life. It breaks my heart when he does this, but I still need to go to work, so a teacher grabs him and distracts him with trucks. I head back to my car and finish the drive to work.
7:30 a.m.
Brianna: I arrive at work a little after 7:30 a.m. and clock in. I usually start my day with reviewing emails before I jump into anything else.
Even before I had a kid, I started work at 7:30 a.m. This is actually very common at my work (and Meghan’s, too). Most people start between 7 and 8 a.m. I love it because I avoid traffic on my commute, but also I have more time with my toddler in the afternoon. I wonder if this is a Midwest thing?
Meghan: I log into my computer and start work for the day. I spend the next couple of hours editing a couple web pages and a series of flyers.
8:30 a.m.
Brianna: I text my mom to coordinate what time we need her for babysitting on Thursday. It’s our wedding anniversary, so we are going to grab dinner and go to a comedy show. One of our rare date nights!
9:00 a.m.
Brianna: Time for therapy. I prefer to go in person, so I’m happy to have found someone who is only five minutes or so from my work.
10:00 a.m.
Brianna: Rush back to work just in time for a 10 a.m. meeting. I decide to call in so I’m not entering the conference room out of breath. Thankfully, the meeting ends early, and I’m able to eat a banana before getting back to work.
Meghan: I’m alerted that a local LGBTQ+ event is being canceled due to possible death threats. I’m currently planning a queer community event at my work, so this really rattles me.
10:30 a.m.
Brianna: I heat up my coffee that I forgot about before therapy and catch up on the photos that daycare sent through the app.
11:00 a.m.
Brianna: I was supposed to have another meeting at 11, but it’s canceled.
12:00 p.m.
Brianna: I grab my lunch and eat at my desk while I continue working. This is a little tricky considering it is spaghetti and meatballs, but I make it work.
12:30 p.m.
Meghan: I sit down to eat lunch. I take this time to answer a few freelance emails and make a few edits to projects I’m currently working on.
1:00 p.m.
Meghan: Back to work.
1:30 p.m.
Brianna: I see that more photos are available in the daycare app, so I take a moment to see what fun the toddler is getting up to today (it’s been hot enough that they had water play outside). I’m grateful that I get these glimpses into the day to help stave off some of the parental guilt of having him in daycare full time.
2:00 p.m.
Brianna: Second meeting of the day.
2:30 p.m.
Meghan: I take a 15-minute break to unload the dishwasher and hand-wash a couple of dishes that are sitting on the counter.
3:30 p.m.
Brianna: Time to clock out and head to daycare to pick up the toddler. As we walk back to the car, I realize we forgot to grab his lunchbox. We have another one at home, so I decide to get it tomorrow.
4:00 p.m.
Brianna: We arrive home and are greeted by Meghan. I empty out my lunchbox (that I didn’t forget) and drop the toddler’s water play clothes into the washer. His teacher asked me to bring more clothes, so I pack a bag to take with us in the morning. Meghan and the toddler are playing with Magna-Tiles, so I join in.
Meghan: I clock out from work in time to greet Brianna and the toddler. We discuss our days, and I play with the toddler.
4:30 p.m.
Brianna: Meghan pulls out her guitar, and we try to sing a new song together. The toddler helps with the strumming, and when he’s bored of that, he grabs his harmonica and plays along.
Meghan: I love singing with the family, and I am excited to get the toddler into music lessons in the future.
5:00 p.m.
Brianna: Time to start dinner. I put on a YouTube video to watch/listen to while I make the meal.
Meghan: I continue playing with the toddler while Brianna cooks dinner.
5:30 p.m.
Brianna: The toddler comes into the kitchen and begs for a banana. Dinner isn’t quite ready yet, so I give him one. Around 5:45, I take over bathroom duty so that Meghan can leave for her fitness class.
Meghan: I take the toddler to the bathroom, but I need to get ready for my cardio fitness class, so I ask Brianna to take over. I get changed and then head to the class.
6:00 p.m.
Brianna: I plate dinner, and the toddler and I sit down to eat. Apparently he’s not hungry (I regret the banana), so I eat quickly because I promised we could go to the library after dinner.
Meghan: I arrive at my cardio fitness class.
6:30 p.m.
Brianna: It’s so quiet when we arrive at the library. There are usually a handful of kids, but we are the only ones in the children’s section. The toddler really wants to do the butterfly scavenger hunt, so I follow him around the library. We find seven out of eight when he decides to play with the train set. I take this opportunity to read more of Isola.
Five minutes before we need to leave, the toddler finds a dot painting craft and must do the owl picture before we leave. Looks like our bedtime routine will be pushed back a little bit.
Meghan: I sweat my ass off.
7:00 p.m.
Meghan: I drive home after the class and find that Brianna and the toddler are not home yet. I eat my dinner and wait for them to arrive.
Brianna: Rush home because we are 15 minutes later than I intended, and I immediately start the bath while asking Meghan about her fitness class. The toddler decides he wants to eat dinner now, so we compromise, and he eats dinner in the bath.
7:30 p.m.
Brianna: I get him out of the bath and take him to read a story while we put lotion and pajamas on. I say goodnight to the toddler, and he’s off to bed with Meghan.
The cats have been meowing again, so I feed them dinner and then pick up toys scattered around the living room.
Meghan: I help Brianna with putting lotion and pajamas on our toddler. While Brianna reads him a book, I brush his teeth. Not an easy task, but he doesn’t fight back too much tonight.
8:00 p.m.
Meghan: I read three bedtime stories and then place the toddler in his crib. He asks for water, so I go out to the kitchen to get him a cup of water.
Brianna: I know that Meghan has freelance work to do, so I decide to watch a few more YouTube videos while I work on my crochet patchwork cardigan. I’m hoping to have it done in time to wear at least once this winter!
8:30 p.m.
Brianna: I make a quick snack and continue crocheting.
Meghan: I get to work on freelance projects.
9:30 p.m.
Brianna: I wrap up my crocheting for the night and get ready for bed. I say goodnight to Meghan, and I am asleep before 10.
Meghan: Take a quick break to text my sister to ask her if she is willing to babysit later this month.
10:00 p.m.
Meghan: I decide to call it a night and go get ready for bed. I typically go to bed around this time when I have freelance projects.
10:30 p.m.
Meghan: I get into bed and try for sleep. I have a hard time unwinding at the end of the night, so I often will listen to a video or podcast.
Thank you, Brianna and Meghan!
Please comment with kindness!
Random Extras:
In The Washington Post, Alicia wrote about how Gen Z is taking advantage of workplace financial wellness programs.
Lindsey has been working on the upcoming paid edition of Home Economics, and it’s a fascinating one! But we’re always looking for new women to share their stories. Here’s the link!
